As I stood in the mirror, checking my normally unruly edges one more time, I decided that today is the day...
Today is the day I will finally accept being single.
I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years recently, and since then I've been kind of on a dating spree. I don't really like any of them; they're just really cute distractions from the really unattractive thoughts in my head. The ones where I tell myself I'm not good enough...that no one will want me at 32...that my biological clock isn't exactly doing me any favors right now...that maybe I'm not God's favorite...
I want to be God's favorite. :(
I stare at my phone at all the unanswered text messages from the day, and I'm not interested in responding back to any of them. All of these dudes are lame. If I have to answer one more "WYD" text, I might just lose my mind. Whatever happened to full sentences? I block all of the numbers I've acquired over the past 3 months, and delete all of the dating apps I've downloaded. I just want to go out and hang with my friends, and not be worried about any of these dudes. It's time I finally focus on me.
My best friend honks the horn outside, and it's time to go. I have on my favorite pair of Gap jeans, a gray t-shirt, and timbs. We're going to a friend's house tonight for a girls only sleepover, hence why I only barely bothered to brush my hair. I don't have anyone I need to impress. What I'm most looking forward to though is not having to suck in my stomach all night after I eat half a pizza alone. and throw back a few too strong, homemade cocktails. It's about to be a good night.
I hop in the car, and the ride over is fairly uneventful. You know, just mostly girl talk...aka complaining about how much the week sucked. We get to the party, and I can taste the pizza and tequila before we even walk in the door. We knock and knock again. It's loud, and I think I hear male voices, but I'm assuming it's probably just the radio. The door swings open and all I see is a 6'3" light skinned frame with wide shoulders, and an even wider smile. I try to stand up straighter subtlety, but quickly, and suck it in as flat as I can. Damn. So much for eating half that pizza tonight...He says welcome to the party, and winks at me as he moves out of the way to let us in.
I wink back, and start to mentally make space for him. Yea, I know I'm supposed to be accepting singledom, but he is just so fine, and I am so, so vain. I can't let this one get away. I grab a glass of wine so I can relax and think about my gameplan. I watch him settle back in with his homeboys, not paying any of the other girl's much attention but occasionally looking my way. I'm sure I look a little thirsty staring at this man, but I want him to know I have my eyes on him. I prefer not to make the first move, and I assume he'll walk over at some point.
He walks over and whispers in my ear "pizza and Reisling don't go together." He leans back up and swigs his Heineken. He's just close enough so I can smell his cologne and feel his body heat. The comment is stupid, but I'm glad he made the first move. I shrug and respond in kind, "That's the best you could come up with? You would've just been better off asking for my number outright." He looks at me surprised, and laughs as he hands over his phone for me to put my number in it. This is a good sign.
Maybe I am God's favorite after all...
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I don’t forgive him. Not yet.
Bodies moving in sync
You can't come in here...
There was no glory in side-chicking or deception, only pain and illusion.
I love him for making me feel loved.
6 years, 2 kids, countless jail/prison stays, and the abuse...
In the loneliest hour my thoughts seem to always go back to you.
It's time for "the talk."