I once heard that happiness is an inside job. They told me, "never assign anyone else that much power over your life." Today, I hold this saying to be true. I will no longer allow you or all that you didn't do, could've done, and should've done to get the best of me. I've learned that there are so many other layers to me that you haven't seen and until today, I didn't notice them either. Because of my blindness to God's plan and how He was using my pain, places of neglect, lack of love, and everything else in between, to show me that I didn't need it anyway; I couldn't love me wholeheartedly and be happy. But that has since changed. It changed the day I wrote about you in the Part 1 to my story. It changed when I realized that you couldn't give me what you perhaps didn't get yourself.
How can you love someone else if you don't first love yourself? I didn't see it. Or maybe I just refused to see it out of the frustration that I didn't ask to be on this earth and endure the short comings of your choices and incapabilities. But now I understand. God has shown me that it needed to happen. You needed to dislike me for the parts of me that you wished you could've been. You needed to choose [them] so that I could see that I was different; that I was made for a greater kind of love. You needed to not support me, always criticize me, point out my struggles, laugh at my pain, ignore my heartaches, all so that I could see that I didn't make it this far in my own strength, but because God gave me the grace to still succeed anyway.
They say, "No one is you and that is your power." I see that now. For far too long, I gave you every bit of power, hoping that it would make you love me. The little girl in me joyously dreamt of the day that you would come around and see me and be proud of me and acknowledge that my strive for greatness is the best thing that a parent could ever ask for. But instead, you used that power to show me that things won't change. Things just aren't meant to. You'll always see YOU only. I'll never be a part of the in-depth visual that you see when you look in that mirror. But that's OK. I'm OK now. I've learned to let it go. I'm learning to forgive you now.
My forgiveness is not for you, but for me. It's for my son. It's for his children and there's too. It's so that I can fly high enough and not be weighed down by the grasping of the heavy bitterness, hurt, anger, distrust, doubt, and self-inflicted pain that I've held on to for so long because of the constant disappointment. I've learned that expanding my capacity to heal and love fully requires a willingness to endure short-term discomfort in the service of long-term reward. It may be a hard pill for me to swallow now and I may find it to be a struggle to let it all go without the closure of an apology. But in my discomfort, I know that it will all be worth it in the end. The end that brings forth freedom. So I can't faint in my journey to this end. I can't give up on myself and fall back into that place of blaming you and giving sound reason to my hurtful places. Because I see now that you can't do better than what you've done. Were you ever even taught to do more? Were you shown how to love endlessly? Did anyone ever love you selflessly?
I may never know the answer to those questions. But what I do know in this moment is that I won't continue to punish myself by winning the fight and losing the war. I've come to realize that you just can't give me what I need. And that doesn't mean you're a bad person or incapable of any good. It just means that my truth lies within the fact that it's time to move on and understand that my happiness is an inside job and I can no longer assign this much power to you anymore. It's time for me to be truly powerful for the first time in my life and say "No" to lesser so that I can say "Yes" to greater.
Southern raised. NYC Bound. Working-Stay At Home Mama sharing day to day Interior Decorating, Recipes, Inspirational quotes, Natural Hair, + Parenting Journeys at https://orchidsandsweettea.com/
Here at The Breakup Queen we pride ourselves on sharing stories of queens just like you every week! Unsure about what to write? It's simple. Tell the story you needed to hear.