I get bored easily.

I know it seems like every girl says that, but I've never been in a relationship that has lasted for longer than 90 days. At about day 75 I start acting crazy so they'll break up with me, and I can be free of commitment. My friends say I act like the man in my relationships.

They're right.

I keep a man. I just can't keep a relationship. It's too much work. All that sacrifice and compromise stuff...no, thank you. However, I just turned 30, and I think it's time I start dating a little more responsibly. Plus my mom keeps asking me when am I going to give her some grand babies, and I keep sending her this...

Source: Betches

Source: Betches

I mean...Taco (my fur baby) is cool and all, but I really do want a real baby some day, preferably human. So I'm trying to turn a new leaf to find the future father of my kids, and I was hoping yesterday's date would be the start of something different...

I met this guy named Byron online, and he is a black man who doesn't want to be an actor, rapper or ball player. There's nothing wrong with those dreams, but I just desire something a little more stable. He loves his little boring accounting job, and that works for me. He wasn't fine...maybe a 6.5 out of 10...Basically, his face is suitable enough to make cute babies, which is really all that matters to me in the looks department at this point. He's nice and has a good sense of humor...he feels safe and sane, which is the type of man I want to marry. We started talking on the phone pretty regularly and the vibe was cool, so we made plans to go to a fancy restaurant I had been wanting to try during D.C. Restaurant Week for our first date.

So date day finally comes, and he swings by my house and picks me up. The car's clean. He's clean. We're both out here looking like money, and he's playing the Bruno Mars 24k album. So far, so good.

After an hour of sitting in traffic, we finally make it to the restaurant about 15 minutes late for our reservation. We walk in, and Byron's mood changes a little after he spots a group of 3 couples standing and waiting for their name to be called. He doesn't say anything as we walk over, and remains fairly quiet as he hugs everyone in the group. This whole situation feels really awkward, but I decide to just take notes, stay in my lane, and wait to be introduced. He turns to me, still with a strange look on his face that I can't quite place, and says, "Sharon, these are my cousins Michael, Josh, and Brian and their lovely wives Tameka, Kristyn, and Marla. Everyone meet my girlfriend Sharon. "

Skerrrrrrt!!!! Did he just say girlfriend?!

Source: The Shade Room

Source: The Shade Room

What in the entire...We've only been talking for a month! I look bewildered, but don't want to embarrass him so I quickly acknowledge everyone, and excuse myself to go to the restroom. I then proceed to light up his text messages.

"What the fuck are you doing? I am NOT your girlfriend! I barely know you!"

He texts back quickly...

"I know. I'm sorry. I'll explain later. Please just play along. I'll make it up to you. I promise."

I text back...

"Fine...and I'm ordering the most expensive thing on the menu."

I leave the restroom, still fuming but with my game face on, ready to order my filet mignon oscar style. Thinking, hey, at least I'll get a good meal out of the deal. When I walk out I notice all of the couples and Byron are now seated...together. How in the hell did this become a group date?! He gets up, pulls my chair out, touches my back lightly, and leans in to apologize again. I whisper in his ear, "don't you even think about touching me, you lying ass liar," then I smile at him sweetly as he quickly removes his hand from my back. I quietly ask the Lord to forgive me for the lie I'm about to be living. I was really planning on having a sin-free evening, and this dude is ruining it.

Since everyone else has rings on their left hands, and we are the "new couple" at the table, I figured we would be asked a million questions, and his cousins did not disappoint...

How did y'all meet?

When was your first date?

What do y'all like to do in the area?

What do you have in common?

Have you had sex yet?

Have you met each other's parents?, etc...

The barrage of questions felt like it went on ALL. NIGHT. LONG!

And so the lies began...We met at a 90s roller skate party of a mutual friend. We had gone indoor skydiving on our first date about 6 months ago. We loved to hike together with our dogs, go to festivals, visit the free museums on the weekends, and eat hot wings while watching Scandal. We hadn't made formal family introductions but were planning to soon, and our sex life was none of their business. We were just making up shit, but by the end of dinner I was feeling like our "relationship" was pretty lit.

He couldn't have been that close to his cousins since they didn't question any of these lies...I had so many questions of my own, and I was hoping he had some good ass answers.

The night ended, as did our ruse, and we walked through the parking deck in complete silence. As soon as we got to the car, he turned to me and said...

"I'm sorry. My family is just nosey as hell. I'm a very private person, but I was excited about our date and let it slip to one of them that I was hanging out with a girl I liked tonight. They're so intrusive that they decided to "surprise" us, so they could spy on me and report back to the family, since I'm the last unmarried one. I didn't know what was going on until you went to the restroom and I started pressing them about why they were there...I don't know why I lied about you being my girlfriend. I think I'm just tired of all the pressure they put on me to get married. I'm sorry, and I really like you...I was just so caught off guard, but thank you for going along with it."

Rolling my eyes, I replied, "I'm pissed. I understand the pressure to get married, but you had me out here looking crazy. I'm still not entirely sure you or your family is sane so I'm not riding home with you. I'm calling an Uber, and you're paying for it. I also expect to meet you at Skydiving Alexandria tomorrow at 2 pm for our indoor skydiving first date, just like we told your cousins."

He thanked me for giving him a second chance, apologized again, and said he would be there at 2 pm sharp. He opened his arms for a hug, but no....

So today, we're going to try this whole first date thing again. Wish me luck y'all.

XO, Brittany

 

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