We quiet ourselves because we don't trust our truth. We are women. We were given a pit of peace buried inside called intuition. It's hidden in our gut and causes us to be uneasy when the dirt is disturbed. Lies are wind that begin to stir the dirt. We hold ourselves at the waist to stop the feeling of uneasiness, but it doesn't dissipate. So we busy ourselves to ignore the signs, and write off what we feel as inexplainable, therefore it must be dismissed. We quiet ourselves because we only felt the storm, we didn't see it. And now, here it comes...
I felt bright eyed and filled with butterflies when he agreed to meet me at a diner for the first time. As he walked towards me while I stood in a line, I experienced deja vu. I had seen this man before. But where? As we ordered food and chatted about random things, I recalled where I'd seen him. It was in a dream. I walked past pews towards him as he stood waiting for me. I had dreamt about him. I dreamt of marrying him and I'd never met him. I saw him in a space and place that couldn't be explained...how is this real? My face swelled with glee at the thought that he could really be the one.
Time goes on, and we become a couple. We go on dates, we travel to foreign lands, introduce each other to our family and friends, but I feel my stomach churning. We're not at sea, we're just standing in my living room arguing about why he isn't comfortable displaying me. He claims it's about his privacy, I accept it as his honesty, but my stomach feels blows of wind.
We continue going and flowing, and I'm starting to peep game. He makes other excuses, and I question whether I'm going completely insane because the wind of my pit is howling.
I decide to give it my all, but my all wasn't what he desired so I compromised and accepted his friendship, but welling inside me I felt the beginning of a storm.
Our friendship still led me to keep emotional ties with him as we continued with the intimacy of kissing, hugging, booty squeezes, and more.
Christmas 2016 was such a sweet moment, but there was a dim forecast. He came bearing thoughtful gifts near to my heart. Books that I desired, and movies without end. We shared breakfast, exchanged gifts, and had a sweet embrace where I felt reaffirmed that he was the man I had dreamt about. I told myself to forget every doubt.
With the new year's arrival, I inquired about our future. He restated he didn't desire a relationship at this point in his life. I accepted his answer and kept hope that when he was ready, I would be too, but in the pit of my soul I felt a destructive storm still brewing.
Somehow, I could feel him leaving me and I asked my favorite aunt "how do you let someone go who has decided to move forward?" Her response was simple, "Don't fight for something leaving you, it isn't yours if it leaves. You don't have to ask your blessings to stay." That was nice, but it didn't suffice for me.
I woke up for work Monday morning much too early, feeling as if I was finally standing in the eye of the storm. I reached out to him and let him know that I'd be leaving him alone, because I hadn't realized he'd moved on to someone else. His response confirmed my suspicion. He accused me of being a psychic. I was finally here, facing my storm. My intuition had attempted to warn me time and time again, but I held myself at the waist avoiding and ignoring the inexplainable.
My eyes puffed from the tears that streamed down my face. I had hoped that our two years as a couple would have been something he couldn't let go of. I had hoped that friendship would give him enough space to join me on the same love page. I had hoped more than I paid attention to signs. I had hoped more than I prayed for God's will over what I wanted. I had been stuck on a dream, and denying everything I felt.
It's been three days since I slept more than 2 hours, or eaten more than coffee & an egg. But I still go to work, and teach my students. I still lead my small focus group. I still run my business. And despite the storms I have faced, I still keep going.
I am the girl who broke up with my childhood, and I know I can STILL do anything.
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