My late night ritual consists of 4 cookies, a cold glass of almond milk, and going through my fiance’s phone.
Sitting on our cold, kitchen floor in the dark, scrolling through his messages, his phone suddenly starts to ring. I stare down at the name, my heart beating fast…It’s 3 am…who is Janae’? And why is she calling?
I have to make a decision fast…should I answer?
I hear her mutter, “Oh shit…”
And then she hangs up the phone. I barely flinch.
We’ve been here before, clearly.
I go to the bathroom before I get back in the bed, and leave his phone right in the toilet with my tears.
I crawl back into bed, he snuggles up next to me, and I let him. Tomorrow morning is going to be a complete shit show, so I might as well enjoy the warmth that my bed has tonight. It’s probably going to be a little cold in here for the next few weeks.
I wake up to him cursing me out, waving his piss soaked phone around. I laugh, and say “tell that bitch Janae’ that you have office hours.” He calls me crazy as I walk past him, and I reply “as long as you don’t forget that,” and start getting ready for my day. We go through this every few months. I can’t blame other women for wanting him…he’s successful, attractive, and a complete gentleman when he’s not being a slut bucket.
He has enough money to replace the phone, and hopefully his information was updated in the cloud. But neither of those is really my concern with our wedding date fast approaching. I have brunch with my girls, and a cake tasting with him later today. At brunch, they tell me I deserve better…I know….they tell me he ain’t shit…I know…they tell me we can squad up on Janae’…I know…
But I just want him to act right, and they can’t promise me that. Hell, he can’t promise me that either.
By the end of brunch, I decide to call my wedding planner and tell her that I’m sick, and that we won’t be making it to the cake tasting today. I text him, “cake tasting is cancelled…” I’m sure he has a new phone by now. My assumption is confirmed, when he responds to my message 5 minutes later asking "why?" I don’t respond. I want his mind to wander.
I use his credit card, and book a cute, local Air BNB that has a fireplace. I can afford it, but I'm being petty.
I'm not exactly prepared for a night away from home, so I drive to Target and buy a warm blanket, pajamas, panties, oreos and milk, and head to my temporary home for the evening.
I don’t really have any answers. And I’m not really ready to make any decisions about my relationship.
But I know, for sure, that I need a change to my nighttime ritual.
I don’t forgive him. Not yet.
Bodies moving in sync
You can't come in here...
There was no glory in side-chicking or deception, only pain and illusion.
I love him for making me feel loved.
6 years, 2 kids, countless jail/prison stays, and the abuse...
In the loneliest hour my thoughts seem to always go back to you.
It's time for "the talk."