One day I was venting to my cousin about how men “ain't shit,” and I walked in to this business and spotted this really cute skinny guy with braces…I always had a thing for dark skinned guys from New York. He kinda interrupted our conversation and said, "Hey that's not true. All guys aren't like that. I'm a good guy." I smiled, and thought to myself “ok, sure.” The conversation led to a few dates and he asked me to be his girl, which was the highlight of my senior year of college. He even told me he loved me.
We planned to take it slow, and spend time getting to know each other before having sex, but one day he kissed me and my body was like, you deserve this. But did he? Hell no! I had only known him for a month and had never even been to his house, or in his car. If we’re being honest, I didn't really know anything deep about him. He was just so cute and I fell for the words, the dates, and the 4 hour-long conversations.
We were at the house and I told him after making out, "Let’s have sex. I'm ready." I wasn't on birth control and he knew. I don't remember why I wasn’t, but in the moment, I honestly didn't care. He came inside me and my first thought was “this is really great,” but that was quickly followed by “but I'm supposed to be saving myself.” I think I blacked out for a minute, and then I told him "pull out," but it was already too late.
I ended up pregnant and that was the worst December of my life. I was sooo sick. I couldn't eat or drink much of anything. My close friends were so supportive and told me that they were willing to help me raise my baby, but he said “you have to get rid of it, because you need to get through your last semester of college.” He also said he wanted to go back to school too. I always saw women with kids - strong women - finish because they were determined to get their degree and still prosper. Delayed, but not denied right?
I let my brain wander and I let him convince me to get rid of the child, and afterward he just left. Like legit vanished...the calls stopped coming. He stopped texting back. Was it all his fault? No. But I wanted an apology or some sort of closure…I needed answers…
Why did you leave me?
Why didn’t you comfort me after I did what you asked?
Finally, I just had to let it go
Years later, a random number calls me one day and it was him. My heart was jumping. I think I may have had an anxiety attack. He said "I wanted to tell you that I am so sorry for what happened all those years ago. I got missing because I was scared (we were both 20 at the time)." He said he spent time in jail after he disappeared, and that he thought God was punishing him for leaving me like that, and for trying to force me to get an abortion. He told me he just wanted to see me face to face to apologize. Dazed and confused I agreed to meet up with him, but after scheduling 3 times to meet up, he never showed up. Ever.
I kept trying, because I just wanted to hear him apologize in person. He even said he still loved me, but then his girlfriend called one night to curse me slam out. At that point I was completely done.
Fast forward, and I'm engaged to a nice, young man and the ex adds me on Facebook, and tells me that he's having a kid. What?! Complete. Sucker. Punch. I was hurt because he talked so bad about this girl after she called me at midnight to curse me out, and now y'all are having a kid?
Why was I not good enough?
Why was our kid not good enough?
I deleted all social media contact with him and I had to pray so hard to get that "not good enough" feeling off of me. Why was I even concerned? After all I had moved on with my life, but I cared because a baby was attached to me and I chose to let him or her go.
It took years for me to let go of that hurt. I often felt punished by God. I felt like men could see the hurt that I couldn’t shake. Even after finding love later, I still felt like I may not be able to have kids. I couldn't even stand going to baby showers. I would cry like I was at a funeral. All I could envision was laying on the table at the abortion clinic letting them do something to me that I now regret.
I prayed and cried and asked God to take the fear of not being able to have kids away. Take the fear of not being a good mom away. Take away the ability to let a man get so far in my head that I would do something that I said I'd never do. I prayed the Lord would let me be able to conceive a healthy child, when the right time and man came along. And then suddenly, one day my fears were gone.
This situation hardened me in a way, but at least I can go to baby showers now and not lose it. At least I have a great husband who I know isn't going leave me if I tell him we are pregnant. At least I don't have to worry about “I love you” meaning nothing anymore. Therapy helped, but so did prayer, writing down my thoughts, and having faith in a successful relationship. You see sometimes it takes a lot of frogs, but your Prince will find you and you will be glad that sweet talking frog jumped out of your phone, and DMs. It will just be a memory tucked away in your past, and you will be set free.
~ Submitted anonymously